the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
