i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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