Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
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