If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
