Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Congratulations! We have a period
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