I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
