Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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