After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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