Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
