I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
