i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
