My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
