when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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