I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
