That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
