Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
