I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
