He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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