i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
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He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
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