I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
