her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
