I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
