whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
