Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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