I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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