Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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