if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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