I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
