hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
