we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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