hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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