My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
