If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
