I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
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I take back everything I said about communal showers
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
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Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.