Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
