You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
