Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
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He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
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Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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