I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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