I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
