You just made me feel so damn special
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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