So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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