Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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