Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
