I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
