its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
