Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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