Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
