twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
