I think I died a long time ago.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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