I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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