Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
