i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
