Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Randomize
