if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
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