why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
This is the high leading the old right now
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
